The Four Agreements: A Toltec Toolkit for Better Living

Vince Kern  
Welcome to another episode of Friends in wonder where each week we explore topics we believe are relevant in today's culture. If you enjoy this episode, please subscribe and share it with your friends. I'm Vince Kern,

Joe Luther  
and I'm Joe Luther. Now let's explore and wander together. Well, hey, all right, it's the new year, it's time for 2023. The holidays are behind us. And it's time for a new episode of Friends in wonder and what a way to kick it off since but to talk about one of our favorite books of all time, which really is kind of a resolution of life in general, you know, and the book is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and you and I read it many, many years ago and have reread it many, many times. And we're really excited to talk about it today.

Vince Kern  
Yeah, it's one of those books that the the more you read it, the more you're more it means to you. i It came out in 1997. And it was on the New York Times bestseller list for nearly 10 years, it's been translated into 46 languages. It's sold. Last I heard it was over 6 million copies in the United States. It's a very seminal book. And you know, I hear people talking about it from time to time I go to the gym, and I was in the sauna a few months back. And the conversation started trending towards sort of self growth in that and this young woman probably in her 30s or so said, oh, yeah, I just read this great book called The Four Agreements. And so it's, it's something that a lot of people are familiar with, but maybe some people aren't.

Joe Luther  
Yeah, it's one of those go to books, like if you if you see on a website, a teacher, or you know, some kind of a new age type of teacher, very often one of their books in their list is going to be the Four Agreements. And in this is one that is near and dear to our hearts. And we were thinking, Well, geez, if we talk about it, we're going to give it away and discourage people from wanting right from wanting to read it. But this really is no spoiler, because it's a little bit like, with all reverence to the Bible, it's a little bit like a Bible, and that you can pick it up anytime and read any part of it over and over again. So our analysis of it is really more of a wet the whistle kind of an idea, rather than to give you the cliffnotes version

Vince Kern  
of it. Yeah, right. I mean, she said to say that the Bible has got the tools, the 10 commandments, right. And this has got the Four Agreements. So if you think about them as tools, you know, if you just list the tools, and I'm just gonna list the agreements right now. But if you just list the agreements, you know, the whole thing is about bringing those agreements into your life, right? So the agreements, be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions, and always do your best. Boy, that sounds so easy, doesn't it?

Joe Luther  
Wow. Talk about spoiler you just All right. Well, I guess we're done with this now. We know it's funny. It's funny, you know, first of all, when we're going to talk about four agreements, we have to talk about agreements in general. And you mentioned the 10 commandments. When Jesus came and there was the New Testament, He created the new agreement. And, and so really, this is more of a Toltec version, because the writer is of South American origin. And he comes from a long line his ancestors were Toltec. And And first, let's talk a little bit about, about the Toltec tradition and the wisdom of the Toltec people. Yeah,

Vince Kern  
they were. They're basically a group of scientists and artists and, and healers, teachers, philosophers of all walks of life, but but they, but they had sort of a shamanic tradition of connecting to the universe and realizing that, you know, all is one and that we're all in this together.

Joe Luther  
And in the author, Don Miguel Ruiz was I think it wasn't his grandfather, or one of his grandparents. Was, was a Toltec teacher and his mother as

Vince Kern  
well. Yep. Yep. Yeah. He comes from a family of 13 children. And he was the youngest. And interestingly enough, he was sort of expected to take over the family tradition in that way, and he chose to go to medical school. But then, he had a near fatal car accident and spent nine weeks in a coma. And when he came out of the coma, he, he realized that his real mission, as much as he loved medicine was was to just help make a better world for everybody. And that became his passion.

Joe Luther  
Right? So and he did a great job of it in this book and I really so before, you know, again, before we get into the details of each of the four agreements that you've already outlined, the idea is that the Toltec tradition, discusses this idea that we have kind of a motto Tay is what they call it. And that is this fog of brain. And it's it comes to us as part of our domestication as human beings, as he calls it. And this idea that we're born is kind of blank slates, almost perfect. And I would say, Indeed, perfect. And then as we go through the domestication process, as he calls it, we get filled with all of these agreements, their agreements that are put on us, by our parents, and relatives and teachers and, and life experiences. And then we rewards and punishment, right, and then we accept them. And then we and then we create internal judges in our in our brain that, that, that become our own agreement setters and become our own, you know, tongue lashes. And yeah, we talked about this a little bit in one of our previous episodes, but this is the Toltec way of, of seeing it. And in the Four Agreements is a path to an, to a new way of, of living forward.

Vince Kern  
Yeah, that's a really great take on this book. And, you know, again, I think I've read it six or seven times now. And I remember the very first time I read it, and I don't know which one I read first, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, or this one, but it really helped me awaken to the fact that not everything, I think, is is true, and, and that really getting in touch with these four agreements, and practicing them can really make a big difference. And it has,

Joe Luther  
yeah, those are, those are two good books to read. And, you know, as is kind of beginning to reawakening your awareness, right, it's this whole idea of taking a step back, and, and really understanding what's going on inside that busy brain of ours. Right?

Vince Kern  
Right now, you know, and I don't make too many new year's resolutions. I'm not a big fan of them, because one of the things I tried to do is incorporate things on a daily basis. But having said that, every year I try and go back and read this book, and and and really understand how it applies to my life today, and how I can use it to make tomorrow a better world for not only myself, but those around me. So maybe we want to just start talking about these agreements, Joe, do you a kick off, kick off the first one?

Joe Luther  
Well, the first one, as you said, is the I think the author calls it the toughest one too. And that is Be impeccable with your word. And that's that is a tough one, because impeccable, is a word that he breaks down as from the Latin terms and basically means free of sin or without sin. And hackable is with us so that you use your word without any mal intent. And we too often, as he describes in this chapter, we too often throw our words out, not realizing the impact of what we're creating when we use our word.

Vince Kern  
And again, with that biblical reference, you know, of sin. In the Bible, it talks about how the tongue is the rudder of the heart, and what comes out of the tongue is really what sort of is in your heart and what you believe. And you can use your words to, you know, expound espouse love, and, and all of the things that we want to do or you can use the word to curse blame, find guilt, destroy, and, and so, when we do that, we don't just harm the people around us, we harm ourselves, because we're really not living in love as we want to do. And it's not easy. It is no right. Yeah, impeccable with your word.

Joe Luther  
And the other interesting thing is that, you know, it's one thing to think about being impeccable with your word towards others, you know, when you're actually using your mouth to utter words. But there's also the inner word, right, because we, and he discusses this in this chapter, and that is that we, we can violate this agreement with ourselves, you know, internalizing false agreements about our ourselves is not being impeccable with the word is well. And what he does describe is that when you take the time to really honor, the importance of what you're thinking, and what you're saying, with impeccability, it's just going to open up a whole new freedom, and you actually become almost immune from other people's attacks. Because if you're truthful with your word, towards self and toward others, it protects you from a tack of others who are untruthful.

Vince Kern  
Yeah, and I think that's a great segue into agreement number two, which is, take don't take anything personally, I know when, when others aren't being impeccable with their word. A towards us. Our first I think our first response is to take it personally. And that defense mechanism comes out and, or even if they're not in an attacking mode, you know, even if they're, they're just, you know, taking if you take things too, personally, it's really all about you and not about them. So, so don't take anything personally. It's a hard one. Yeah, it's

Joe Luther  
caused by the trap of self importance. And, and I think he describes that very well, in his in his book, you know, the into many times, we see things through our own world, and we think that everything's going on around us, it's about us. But But that's, that's really what's going on with all the people that are around us as well, they're in the same dream, really. And so we have to understand that, again, it's this idea of being immune from, from taking on the garbage or the toxic effect of other people's word. Don't take things personally, kind of liberate you. From, from the toxins of, of what's out there.

Vince Kern  
Yeah, it's helpful. It's about opening up your heart. And, and being open. And, you know, you don't have to be afraid of being ridiculed or rejected. You know, there's, there's, when you're young, you talk about these agreements, you know, you come home with a report card, and you gotta be plus on your math test, which was very, very hard in paradise says, oh, boy, you know, if you study harder, you could you could have gotten an A, now, you know, is that being impeccable with their word? Is that what kind of hurtfulness does that cause a child to make an agreement that, you know, that even though they did their best that it wasn't good enough? So you know, it's a very complex topic, again, complex thing to do. It's a very simple concept, but it's one that you have to practice a lot.

Joe Luther  
Right. And, you know, the wisdom of this book, as we talked about at the beginning, is that, you know, it sounds so simple, but it really is. But at the same time, it's difficult. Right? You know, be impeccable with your word. Okay? Just be honest, well, but be impeccable with your don't take things personally sounds like a simple thing to do. But in practice, it's one to really just constantly remind yourself about, as don't take things personally, is really one of the great forms of freedom. The other one that is a great form of freedom is is the third agreement. And that is, don't make assumptions. Or as I like to call it, never assume, and you can ask my wife's you can ask my wife, Sonia, I use that phrase a lot. Because it's really one of my favorite ones, in the practice of life is too often, you know, because our brains are programmed to protect us and to find dangers and in to help us survive. We're too often trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. And very often, we don't have all the facts, and but our brain is quick to make assumptions about what we don't have. And what this Toltec wisdom is saying is that that's when a lot of unnecessary drama comes into our lives, is when we have partial information. We then make assumptions and hidden we're probably taking things personally when we're doing it, and it just becomes a lot of unnecessary drama, and nine times out of 10 when there's drama in your life. I'll bet you it's become bits because the vile disagreement? Never assume.

Vince Kern  
Yeah, I think this is the this is the gateway agreement to all of the other agreements, if you asked me because it is very programmable, that, you know, we make assumptions that because we've, let's say, been married for 30 years, or 15 years, or even one year that we know what the other person wants, or they're thinking, or they should know what we're thinking. And it really is a communication, block, blinder, it really can, can be made things become unclear when you when you make assumptions about what other people want, what they think, even what you want, and what you think, based on other things. So this is this is a really tough one. I mean, we make assumptions in all kinds of circumstances. When we when we when we're listening, when we're not listening, when you think we understand something, we lock that in, or even when we don't understand something we lock that into, right. And

Joe Luther  
it's it's definitely true in romantic relationships. It's also true in friendships. It's true with people on the street. And it's very true in working circumstances, I would say nine times out of 10, when there are difficulties in communication, difficulties in relationships of any sort. It's usually because you're assuming, and in the best way to really to stop the cycle of assuming is to ask more questions, right? You don't want to just take partial information, make an internal assumption, and then go off. When you're there. Ask, you know, get clarification. It's it's part of a healthy relationship to ask questions. And it's part of healthy living, to not assume, because too often, because of the way our brains are programmed, we assume the worst. And, and so just this idea of not assuming in conjunction with not taking things personally, along with that, being impeccable with your word, you're gonna go through life, and it's going to be a lot more fun, because you're not going to be involved in this cloud of all this drama. And that kind of leads us into our fourth agreement, then I

Vince Kern  
was just gonna say you get into building blocks here for agreement number four, which is always do your best. And you notice that it doesn't say always be perfect. Or, or always, you're always going to do your best once you decide to understand this agreement. But this agreement really speaks to, you know, for instance, if you try too hard to do something, that's more than your best, you're going to spend more energy than is needed. And in the end, it's just not, it's not going to be good enough. And your best will change from moment to moment depends on how you feel who you are, where you're where, who you're with. And, you know, there's no way that you can, you know, feasibly judge yourself if you do your best, you know, if you've got that B plus and in math, and you know, you did your best and, and parent a is saying it wasn't good enough. But if you can somehow find a way to say, Well, I did my best, and I'm happy with that, then then you're going to have a lot better of a life, if you if it is about forming your own agreements, it's about living fully. And you know, it's also about taking action. And if you do your best, then then you're in good shape.

Joe Luther  
Right? That's what he calls this agreement. It's really the action agreement for the for the three previous agreements. And it doesn't mean being perfect, just like he describes in the first chapter, or in the first agreement, rather, where you be impeccable with your word. You know, we can't always be impeccable with our word, sometimes we're going to mess up. And that doesn't mean that we should beat ourselves up. Because sometimes you're grumpy, sometimes you're sick. Sometimes your best is going to be a little different than when you're energetic, or when you're feeling positive. But our internal compass knows what our best is. And as you said, it isn't about overdoing either. And he gives a great example in his book, actually, Vince, do you mind I wanted to I wanted to read along, please do and why not? What book report would be complete if we don't have a little bit of a synopsis of the way it goes? And, and this is this really gets to the heart of of doing your best. There was a man who wanted to transcend his suffering. So we went to a Buddhist temple to find a master to help him. He went to the master and asked Master If I meditate for hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend? The master looked at him and said, if you meditate for hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in 10 years, thinking he could do better. The man then said, Oh, Master, what if I meditated eight hours a day? How long will it take me to transcend? The master looked at him and said, if you meditate eight hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in 20 years. But why will it take me longer if I meditate more, the man asked, the master replied, You are not here to sacrifice your joy or your life, you are here to live, to be happy and to love. And if you do your best in two hours of meditation, but you spend eight hours instead, you will only grow tired missed the point and you won't enjoy your life. Do your best. And perhaps you will learn that no matter how long you meditate, you can live, love and be happy.

Vince Kern  
Wow, that's a great example. So true. So true. So true.

Joe Luther  
Yeah, it's a sliding scale. But it's one that is an internal thing that you know, and and I think it's a great way to kind of talk about the four agreements in segue into what Yeah, so his, his book isn't just jumping into the Four Agreements, and then it's over. It's a, it's a discussion of how we get into these agreements that are are bad for us, and a new way to go forward. And then he discusses once we have these agreements in tack, what we can do with them going forward in life, and I think he calls that the Toltec path to freedom, right, Vince,

Vince Kern  
in order to break the old agreements that we've been programmed with and agree to the four new ones, he says there's three masteries that we must gain. And this is where, you know, your personal journey is really going to begin, if you haven't read this book, and you get to this point, these are the things that really help focus that that awareness, knowing you know, who we are, and knowing what the possibilities are transformation, you know, the ability to change and be free of the domestication and intent to to live life itself, you know, in as an unconditional love, which is, again, you know, more of a practice, and you can't be perfect, always. But just be aware that you have this fog in your mind. And in that, you know, there's some self limiting fear ground beliefs that can hold us back. So, right, and I think this, this, by doing this, you can, you can occupy the space left by the old agreements with the new ones, and, you know, you're gonna fail from from day to day, but the more you fail, and the more you jump back to these agreements, the better you get, each day, it's a one day at a time kind of approach. So

Joe Luther  
right, and I think, you know, I mean, obviously, we could talk about those, those things, three things, that that we need to incorporate to, uh, to practice these four agreements. Awareness is a big one, I think, right? Because, you know, you got to remember, when you're assuming you got to remember when you're taking things personally, you got to remember when you're letting these old fear based agreements, cloud your judgment. And so that's a great one awareness, and then being willing to transform into change. That's the next one. Because we get very caught up and stubborn about the way we do things. I mean, we could be 20 years old and pretty happy with the way we're living night life. You could be 63 years old, like us and be pretty happy with the way our living, we're living our lives. But the willingness to transform is something that we should be embracing regularly. And then yeah, setting your intent to doing that. So Right, exactly. I don't know. I think it's a great book to to start a new year. And if you haven't read it yet. It's a great time. It's kind of bittersweet, too, because the author has been going through some health problems, hasn't events.

Vince Kern  
Yeah, yes. I was bit surprised. In December, I do follow the Don Miguel Ruiz Facebook page. And on December 14, there was this post that says, as many of you know, Don Miguel was on the heart transplant list. And the day has finally come for him to have his surgery. And I thought, Well, wait a minute. This is this is kind of nuts because he's already had a heart transplant. He he actually had a heart transplant in 2010. Apparently, he he didn't always have a great ticker in 20 2002. He had a near fatal heart attack. He was in a coma for about nine weeks. And when he woke up, he decided he wanted every day to be a romance. That's his words. And he actually wrote a great book about that called the Toltec art of life and death. And that's the story of the journey he undertook while suspended between this world and the next. And I would say that if you've read The Four Agreements, or any of his other books, this is a really, really personal book. And it's great. It's even very wisdom guiding. But yeah, we hope that everything goes fine for him. His family says they can't see him for a couple of months because of the heart transplant. You know?

Joe Luther  
Yeah, the protocol against infection and that kind of thing. Oh, yeah, prayers go out to him. And all of the Don Miguel Ruiz fans out there, I'm sure are praying and if they know about it, are praying and, and our prayers will be with them for sure.

Vince Kern  
Yeah. And so yeah, I think this is a great start to 2003 friends in wonder, just encourage you, if you haven't read the book to give it a chance. You know, there's some criticisms out there about it being all new agey, and, and all that but you know, the reality of it is, is that it's based on ancient wisdom. And the book was published in 97, long before social media and Facebook and Twitter became the mainstay in many of our lives. So, you know, it's sort of the foundation of a lot of new age offsprings. But it's all based in very sound. Practice. I mean, you know, Jesus called it heaven. Buddhists call it nirvana. And, you know, the Toltecs call it a new dream. So it's all about humans, and humans doing their best.

Joe Luther  
Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't agree more Vince. It's just, it's a beautiful book, and I wish nothing but the best for Dan, and his health struggles. I know he's getting up there in age and he's he's done an awful lot to make the world a better place. And, you know, anybody who criticizes this book, I think, is, you know, probably needs to read it again. Because it's a beautiful book. And it's one that I think, is simplicity is probably the greatest criticism. But at the same time, it's also its greatest wisdom.

Vince Kern  
And the good news is, is that he has two sons that are carrying on his tradition. And, Joe, I'm going to make a commitment to you and I'm going to make a commitment to my lovely wife, Sheila and all of my friends and family that I am going to really practice these four agreements into value.

Joe Luther  
Well, good for you. I'll be keeping a close eye on don't assume that I won't be.

Vince Kern  
Well, thanks for listening, everyone. As always, feel free to send us feedback at talk at friends in wonder.com. You can find us on all the podcast platforms, and we wish each of you a Happy 2018